First Real Office Jobs

Several weeks ago I was interviewed by a local new "green" company for the position of a "Gal Friday." I think the fact they expected anyone under the age of twenty-five to know that term displays a certain level of delusion I completely missed going in. After my first interview was another two, then a test day, and then two steady weeks of employment before I was asked by the HR department/One Girl "not to come in for a week, week and a half," as the downstairs office they were reconstructing for all the new employees was not yet complete. Apparently me using any available desk was fine for two weeks, but then suddenly became problematic.

Interview One
The Vice President/CEO/Big Boss person who had scheduled the interview and spoken to me twice on the phone didn't bother coming in to actually interview me. I ended up meeting with one of his salesmen. Since he had not read my resume yet, I sat quietly while he scanned it in front of me, and then took out a pad and pen and began asking me standard working questions. The interview went well. I told him what I was looking for, he told me what they were looking for, I gave him availability, etc.

Hours later, Salesman called me saying "VP is back in the office now. Can you come back in?" It was ten minutes before 5pm. I was already on my way to my retail job at the time and so told them I would see them tomorrow.

Interview Two
I finally meet VP/CEO/BB who keeps me there roughly two hours. The first hour of the interview I said maybe two words. He did the talking. All the talking. I learned about everything he's accomplished academically and professional since he was 18 years old, from the 3+ degrees, the "many successful" business ventures, and how he was "too awesome" for one school, so he went to another. I wish I could make this stuff up. After killing the spotlight on himself, he began explaining who (or rather, what) his staff was compiled of, using ethnic markings to describe various workers. Salesman was Jewish, so he was" great with money", and Communications Girl is blonde and "super German," so she's very tough and great with details, but just needs a little help with writing. At this point VP --- who is "super" Italian, and openly admitted he "didn't mind" that I was Italian, too -- explained he was thinking of me more as an office manager position. He had interviewed two other women and had them on board for a while, but, he didn't know if it was "because they were old, or what," but they apparently "sucked." According to his opinions (backed by his umpteen many degrees), old women suck because they are set in their ways. He wanted someone young.

He brought up payment. I gently reminded him he'd promised me X amount a year. He asked how much it was an hour, and I quickly replied with a dollar amount. He laughed at the way I had the information stored, and I responded "I did my homework."

Then he says: "You seem really wary. Do you not trust me?"

Without missing a beat I reply: "I'm Italian, remember? I don't trust anyone."

He laughs, I'm thinking we move on, and then he says ------

"I interviewed another girl who didn't trust me. I was sitting there wondering if she had daddy issues. I was all 'oooh, did she get touched or something as a kid? I dunno.' "

Yeah, incest and molestation jokes! This is general 2nd interview stuff, right?

Interview Three
I'm actually a little hazy on this one. I think at this point they were blending together into one horrified mass of racist remarks and inappropriate conversation. In fact, I didn't remember there was a third one until checking email correspondence. (BTW, the VP of this company doesn't know you're supposed to type the body of the email before your ingrained signature. So all his emails came to me in pt 16 bold green italic TNR font.) After Interview 2, he had asked me to email him why I wanted to work with his company. I did so, and he emailed me back with:

Criss... Can you come in again to chat?  Are you free today? Thx! I replied no, I couldn't come in that day, but I could come in 11am the next morning if that was alright. He said yes. At 10.30am he sent me another email "Can we make it 3pm?" I said yes, took off my coat, and sat around my apartment for another few hour wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. During this third interview, he tells me he doesn't think I would be "happy" doing the office manager position, and instead I will be a sort of "assistant" to the Director of Communications. (The aforementioned "super German" chick.) He walks me out and tells me to come in the next Monday.

That Monday, seconds before I left my apartment, at 8.15am, HR Department/One Girl called me and asked for me to start a week later. Therefore delaying my start date an entire week. I made plans and started working on my second job -- a freelance community website gig -- only to get a phone call to come in that Friday for three hours as a 'test day,' instead of Monday morning.

Working Day/Test Day
So this is my 4th visit to the office. I showed up with a smile and my common sense at home. Ignoring the sinking feeling in my stomach, I expressed enthusiasm at being put right to work. Nothing entirely of note happened this day except for the first ten minutes. I was put into a conference room with Blonde (aka Super German, but I don't want to refer to her as that), who was writing a letter to a corporate official. I was told I was to help her with some of the wording and phrasing. She left the room and within a second, VP appears while I am typing, defying the laws of physics entirely by moving silently.

Him: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Me: *Gently inclines head up, begins to look away from keyboard.*
Him: Look at me.
Me: *Looks.*
Him: Listen to me.
Me: *Attempts to perk ears up in a canine like fashion.*
Him: I love this girl to death, right? I love her. But she can't fucking write for shit. So you write the way I know you can. ***
Me: ...........................Mkay.

At some point he held a meeting in the same room I was working in. Suddenly I caught on that he was speaking about me to his clients with a jerking of his thumb. "She's in Marketing." So I guess that was my official title.

The Next Two Weeks
Things carried along this vein. The fact VP reminded me of my father should have been a huge red flag, but the hours and pay are/were great so I toughed it out. I had listened to inappropriate language my whole young adult life for free. Now that I was being paid, it seemed like a step up.

- The terms "Arab bastard," "super Jew," "motherfucker," "assholes," "douchebags," were regularly strewn about, along with other ethnic and sexist jokes. Including something about some woman sitting on someone's face.
- The HR department**** (which consists entirely of one girl, my age)/Asst Manager is a friend of VP's family, and therefore took the opportunity to yell and berate VP every chance she got. There is a whole level of awkwardness reserved to hearing someone who is more or less in your peer group call the VP of the company you work for a "fucking dumbass."
- I was asked to plagiarize copy from other websites, because Blonde was against it. I was also asked to falsely advertise company product. I managed to do neither while convincing him I did.
- Despite being hired as hourly and clocking in ten to fifteen minutes early daily, my first paycheck was salary so I lost 2+ hours of my life. And pay. Mostly my life.
- Despite signing the necessary paperwork so that taxes would be removed and I would not be 1099'd, they didn't take out taxes.

The Two Weeks After Payday, When I Was Asked to "Not Come In"


Over the next two weeks I called, emailed, and left messages in an attempt to learn when I should be expected to come back. I managed to get in contact with someone twice. Both times when I called from a phone that was not my cell phone. (Which means that my name wouldn't show up on the caller ID. Paranoid? Me? Maybe.) Finally, the second Monday, I "caught" the Vice President/CEO/Big Boss on the phone.

Him: [NAME!]
Me: Heey, it's [me.]
Him: *Dead silence for 3 seconds, then, cheerfully* Hey, how are you.
Me: Good. And you?
Him: Crazy. *Chuckling.* How can I help you? ((Here I thought 'Really? Did you really just ask me that? After I have left you three messages?'))
Me: Well, I'd like to know if I still have a job. ((Yes, just like that.))

Him: Things have been kind of crazy here.. we've experienced some set backs.. major set backs... we all just got back from a business trip in St. Louis....they ended up finding like four feet of mold in the walls of the office downstairs so the Board of Health wants us out of the whole building... but, I mean, as far as part time work goes, we haven't really looked at the websites.. we're sort of having IT problems... but I have you on my radar, so.
Me: .....
Him: Once we have work, I have no problem calling you back in.
Me: ....Ok, well I guess that's it, then. You'll just.. call me whenever and I'm going to go look for another job..?
Him: Well I think [HR Bitch] told you---
Me: ---*Cutting him off, now not really feeling the need to stay polite.* ...She told me I would be back in two weeks. Back to work.
Him: Right, but we just don't have work for you. Once we do, I am happy to call you ---
Me: ---but weren't you going to call to tell me you didn't plan on having me back?
Him: *With severe attitude* ..Well we will, WHEN WE HAVE WORK---
Me: I understand there's no work, but no one was going to let me know that I didn't have a job there anymo----
Him: ---You know what Criss, let me end this conversation, thank you very much for your time. *hangs up*



Aaaaaaaaand that was it. Exactly one month of having a job, two weeks of which I got paid.
___

I don't want to make it sound like I was in absolute hell while serving time here, because really I wasn't. I mean, doughnuts and bagels were often supplied for breakfast. Oh, and they have one hell of a coffee machine! The kind where you put in a little solitary cup of flavored whatever you please and it pours just enough for your cup. I was given a laptop to use and a chair, and pens. I mean .. not all bad. I even got blue post-its.

What I Have Learned About Real Entry-Level Office Jobs


- Titles mean little to nothing. I am, technically, a Junior Level Assistant To the Assistant Director of Communications and Marketing. If I had to pick. And yes, 'to the.' (I love The Office too!)
- "Definitions" of "professionalism" change wherever you go. The last day I worked -- three interviews, a test day, and two working weeks in -- I was told I needed to cover up a tattoo I have because it "just wasn't professional." (Perhaps I can regain some cred by making inappropriate jokes or calling someone a "fucking idiot" aloud.)
- Grab your free bagel FAST.
- Half the time, when you are asked to do something, it is because the person asking a) doesn't want to do it, or most likely, b) cannot.
- Email etiquette only applies to outside the office communication.
- As does general politeness.




*** He knows I can write because somewhere between Interview 1 and 2 he read some samples I brought in. He had assured me he wanted to read my creative writing. During Interview 2 or 3 he informed me that he'd allowed everyone in the office to read my vampire fiction and that "everyone was making fun of me" and I was known as 'vampire girl.' Haha...ha..............ha........ha.

****I could devote an entire blog entry to the poetic irony of the company's only HR representative being the most tactless person I have ever met -- and I'm from Brooklyn! -- but it's not amusing so much as incredibly frustrating.

Dicphering Job Descriptions

Whenever potential employers call me in response to job inquiries I immediately pull up Notepad on my laptop and start taking notes. While they're talking, I type furiously so at the end of the phone call I will have basic info and a general description of the job they're calling me about.

I recently got a call about a job that would be with A Company That Owns Another Company that Does Business with Another Company that distributes free publications from... Some Other Company. Over the phone it sounded pretty sweet, and exactly what I'm looking for at the moment. Administrative, part time, paying more than $9/hr. The company was a distribution center for free publications -- you know, the little magazines you see on those dinky metal racks on your way out of Blockbuster or the supermarket? Those. This company puts those out there.

Two phone calls later, I had an interview. The degrees of separation between company names didn't bother me so much as the fact there was no sign on the door. 80D was just that; 80D. There was no lobby, no desk, no receptionist. You might think that was a good thing, since ideally I was looking into being the administrative person. So after I stepped around a few empty cardboard boxes, over a batch of wires, and poked my head into the first office, I was met with a man who looked like an aging version of every open-shirt, hairy chest character ever. We'll call him Dick, not that he was one.

He and the other guy I met were friendly enough. The older gentleman (not Dick) wore jeans and a plaid shirt. I felt over dressed in my skirt and heels. Sitting there, wondering if my jacket was bunching inappropriately, I was tag teamed as they began to explain in vivid detail what my job would be. Not if I got it -- what it would be. They went on to explain how people were getting fired so they could hire me. On a more cheery note, they explained that two other girls were leaving because there was "no money left in it for them." So, they saw my resume and liked me. They liked my background, my resume, and there it was. As I was given a brief tour and then once again asked to sit down in front of a 6ft tall map of the state, one thing became clear:

THEY WERE HUGE FUCKING LIARS.

Everything I had been told over the phone was a grossly manipulated to sound like, uhm, a real entry level job. In reality, it was a ridiculous job that pays well, yes, but requires you to be driving 85% of your day. $150/week for a car allowance is NOT worth the wear and tear on your vehicle.

Here's a table to help better understand the fuckassery of this interview. On the left are actual phrases I typed during my Notepad/Phone Call session (that is, what I was TOLD about the job); on the right is what I learned during the interview.

What They Said	What They Meant
$15/hr	$15.47/hr
No Benefits	No Benefits
Looking for a person to be part of the [City] team who would be:	Looking for a person who will be part of the [City] branch, but actually working alone everyday and:
Responsible for operations management and support the general manager	Drive to dozens of stores to check on the free publication magazine racks and make sure the person who was there yesterday delivering them set it up right
Assisting the general manager in contracting and supervising	^ If not, tell the general manager
Manage trucks coming in and out	Unload magazines off truck and onto pallets in the warehouse
Assist in scheduling	Do things at .. times.
Monitoring delivery of product	Delivering magazines all over the fucking place
Dealing with distribution service center issues	Cleaning the warehouse when it gets dirty
Some cleaning	Cleaning the warehouse when it gets dirty, as well as wiping down magazine racks in stores when people’s shitty children stick gum and other fluids to them
Do anything necessary in coordinating routes	Taking on someone’s route when they call out of work
Be able to lift at least 25lbs	Lift heavy stacks of magazines on a daily basis, be it onto shelves, pallets, off a truck, onto a truck, into my car, out of my car

Needless to say, I'm turning them down. They asked me to call them if I was interested (I had said I needed to mull it over and compare possible numbers of car insurance hikes vs. pay) and I'll be giving them the big N-O in the next day or two. 

No really. They said it twice. It was not a joke. I DID NOT BUY A $25 SKIRT FROM MACY'S TO DRIVE A FORKLIFT, TYVM.

Troubleshooting From Home

TEXTS SEND TO BOYFRIEND'S PHONE:
I think our lamp just broke. The one in the far corner. Multicolored heads.
 
I mean. It was $20. So. LOL. But. :\ EVERY SINGLE BULB went dark. I just switched one out and tried clicking it. Nothing.
   
Maybe fuse?

OK, it was a fuse. I played with the box (hehe) but the blowout killed a few bulbs. NVM. 

Halloween Decorations

 If people click back to earlier posts they might remember the day I bought these lamps. I took a picture then in my delirious joy of having decorative $3 lamps from CVS. We didn't have an apartment yet. Here was the original pic: 

Almost a year later, and they're nestled up next to my Ecto-1. 

I'm not sure if these are easily visible, but the top ice cube is in the shape of a pumpkin, and the lower one is the shape of a skull. These trays were $1 and they brought me joy. I washed them out before using them since they were, after all, from a $1 store. So hopefully they will just bring me joy, and not salmonella.

I was tempted to get this klassy piece, if only for my boyfriend's reaction, but I'm almost certain it would scare our dog. 

I bought these tall-skinny-metal-canister-face-things-with-candle-inside objects last year, too. They've been sitting in a closet until I brought them out. 

The only other decorations I have thus far are some very pathetic window cling things I got at the $1 store with the trays. They're tacky and reminiscent of grade school cat-lady teacher kitsch decor so I'm not going to bother with uploading them. 

I hope to visit a store that might carry better decorations. Ones that might cost so much as $4 within the week. Stay tuned!

Edit 10/11/10 : Happy Columbus Day! Here's what else I picked up today: 

And some additions made:

See? Pumpkins.

Yet More Unforeseen Circumstances

A good friend of min gave me a great idea for a blog topic. Before making this move I tried to think of all the possible snags that would appear. I figured thinks like forgetting to water my ONE PLANT, loose hinges, leaks, and running out of milk would happen, but the little things I completely missed out on. I'm compiling a list, but so far here's a few things I did not see coming:

- After washing my hands, I reach for the hand towel hanging behind the sink, but the motion splashes the water from my fingertips onto the wall just a little. I know this because there are singular lines that appear lighter than the rest of the wall; aka: where the water dripped down.

- SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ME splashes the shower curtain with the ferociously spiraling head of the electric toothbrush, so that, right beside the sink, there are snow-like patterns on the chocolate brown drapery.

- Closed curtains = privacy, but abysmal darkness; Open curtains = refreshing sunlight, but people seeing me half dressed.

- It doesn't matter if the dog isn't allowed on the sofa or not, his fur still flies EVERYWHERE.

- I maintain that the cabinets open up after I leave the kitchen. I do not leave them open no matter what Matt says, and unless he has it on video then he's SOL.

- There is someone in the building who enjoys vomiting on the carpeted stairs leading to the exit. I say enjoys because it's happened twice, so far, and the stairs lead to the exit. So instead of stepping outside to empty out the entirety of their stomach (which twice now has appeared to be bird seeds, popcorn, and pasta), they hover over the stairs leading to my apartment and go to town.

- I need multiple reminders to take food out of the freezer so we can eat the next day.

More to come.

Retail Angst

Cross-blogging this comic I created a few weeks ago, because I had a rough night at work tonight (I'm working part time retail while supplementing it with freelance writing, artwork and possibly a quasi-journalist position starting tomorrow).


hint: Click comic to have it show in another browser window, then click it again to magnify.

Late Night Letters

There have been quite a few changes for me on the 'Get a Job, Adult Person!' front, but it's too late for me to go into detail at the moment. However, what could possibly help summarize the way I have been feeling is this letter I sent to my college. C/P from my Facebook:

I sent this letter to the career center of my college, the incoming freshmen activity board, and the Literature convener. I also FWD'd a copy to the school newspaper, with the disclaimer ".... feel free to use my editorial but please give me credit and sandwiches, as, being a college graduate without a job, I am often very hungry."

From: ME! 

Date: Tue, Sep 21, 2010 at 12:23 PM

Subject: Career Help

To: (Not Helpful Lady in Career Center)

Cc:  (More Unhelpful People)

Hello,

I graduated from [school] in May of 2009 with a BA in Literature. 

Since then I have been encouraged by my family and friends to supplement my job search by contacting the career development center of my alma mater in hopes of securing a job with this very unique degree that I have been informed should not be used as a coaster no matter how nice the coffee table I bought from Target is. I've politely tried to remind everyone that back when they attended school, college was probably different, what with the lack of the Internet and it generally being a far superior source of information than geriatric hobbyists, but they seem adamant. Therefore, I've decided to meet them all halfway and email the career center and other offices of related interest, but only to make a few suggestions.

Having to write repetitive papers on basically the exact same topic for five years, I've learned you get a passing grade when you get right to the point. Without further ado... 

You should hand out a pamphlet to all incoming Literature majors simply titled

"Don't Want To Teach? Then You're Screwed: A Unidirectional Guide To Being a Literature Major"

This pamphlet shouldn't be long, since the curriculum doesn't really allow for today's modern day college student to read anything in full anyway. In fact, I propose the cover to have bright, block lettering displaying concise directions so incoming students won't fail to consider it while balancing their impossible workload and full time job (which they need in order to pay for silly things like gas and textbooks.) The text should read as follows: 

1) Want to teach? Open pamphlet.

2) Don't want to teach? Look at the back of this pamphlet. 

Inside, for those willing to subject themselves to the general apathy of today's public education system, insert one of those convincing stock images of a Caucasian girl in her mid-twenties with minimal makeup and a bright smile, looking up hopefully to the sky. Have her holding a Virginia Woolf novel and her diploma. Across the silly square hat with the tassel, have the words "You're set!" Maybe add a rainbow in the background.

On the back, for those given vague promises of illustrious positions in the "Editing/Publishing field" --- the only viable option college ever presented to all Literature majors but never really explained in helpful detail---, copy/paste a .jpg of a multi-line office telephone, and in Times New Roman (double spaced, 12pt!) put a caption asking "Can you answer one of these?" 

Since this pamphlet will be specifically designed for Lit majors, you needn't overtly explain that the Not Teaching option means their best bet is to look into being a secretary that pays $9.50/hr. After many years of reading Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper" multiple times, all Lit majors are able to understand thinly veiled subtexts.

To be even more helpful, you could attempt dedicating a tiny section of [shitty school website] to Lit majors who came to college thinking it would be a good idea not to explore helpful majors like Business Administration, Nursing, and Burger Flipping. I think creating this specific page would be best left for the 705th overhaul of [school]'s official website, perhaps when more Flash, tabs, and slideshows of smiling kids in school sweatshirts have been added. On this page you could go into further detail about how understanding the impetus behind Henrik Ibsen's best work won't actually help them use Excel in order to create spreadsheets for their potential future employer(s) who just want a more organized way to categorize their collection of 80's Synth Pop. 

Overall, creating more realistic expectations and less idealistic goals should be at the top of the [career] Center's objectives list. I know helping kids construct resumes is a very important job, but more important is making sure the motivation behind developing them is "I have a great set of skills I honed in my years with [school]" and not "God, please, I'll work anywhere, except I don't actually know anything." The fact that my resume manages to fit on one page, is aligned correctly, and details my previous employment in fancy little bullets doesn't counter-act the fact that the last five years of my life have been less useful for me than the six months I spent in my junior year of high school learning how to type.

I'm assuming I won't get a reply, because answering direct statements/questions was never something any counselor/administrator/office personnel at [school] was ever any good at, but I'm hopeful and looking to the sky!

Sincerely,

ME!

P.S. Do you want me to try to design this pamphlet for you? Since graduation I've taken up a variety of odd-jobs like dog walking, painting (walls, not canvas), and amateur graphic design to keep me living the high life of a college graduate. I'd be honored to give back to [school].

____________



No reply from anyone at the college (or the local newspaper I sent it to) but I shall keep you guys posted.

____________


Edit: The school newspaper contacted me within a few days, the career center ... "replied." The first response is the school newspaper. The second was what I believe to be a mass email (though if so, she BCC'd everyone else) from the career center that MAY have only gotten to me because they have my resume. It's not a reply, really.


Hi Criss,

I'm confused as to what you mean by pamphlet. Did you want this to be an
editorial?

Thanks,
[ Genius from Newspaper ]





 **** 



Wednesday Oct 6, 3-4:30 PM
SC-219

Looking for a career that matters? The Cahill Center for Experiential Learning and Career Services is hosting a panel program featuring representatives from various federal and state agencies to share information on career opportunities, requirements and tips for the application process. According to the Partnership for Public Service research (www.ourpublicservice.org), the federal government will fill more than 50,000 entry-level jobs in the next 12 months, along with about 60,000 paid internships. There are jobs and internships available for every interest, in all 50 states and around the world! Attend this program and learn about hot jobs and cool internships and how a career in government might be right for you.

For more information contact [the head of the career center person]